Psychosis: God's Gift to Me

Before I get into the present discourse, let me be very clear with my intent. I have searched my heart over the past couple of days, searching by God's Spirit for a hint of pride in me as I planned to write this. I do not want to seek the praise of men, for that would be to usurp God of His rightful place of preeminence and place myself in the spotlight. So let me be clear that I do not intend for anyone to admire me, the worm. I have no strength, nor character, nor existence apart from my one true love, Yahweh God. In the words that follow my goal is the same as that of the Apostle Paul: "For I will not presume to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me" (Rom. 15:18).

As some of you know, I have had psychosis for nine years now. For two years I was in remission and had no symptoms, which is common in the disease. There are times when I, quite frankly, would rather not live than to deal with it. It flairs up randomly and drags me kicking and screaming into periods of intense confusion and uncertainty. However, I glorify my Lord for what He has given me, and am beginning to see this ailment not as a curse, but as a gift.

I just heard a Pentecostal shrug and grunt at his computer. "A gift? Why would God give you a gift that is painful and not enjoyable?" Indeed my friend, it is not so much a matter of perspective than priority. For if my goal is to remain healthy and pain free then I have good reason to be in despair. However, by the Spirit's power that is not my priority; my priority is to be further conformed to the image of Christ. With that goal in mind, might I submit to you that hard times may be even more profitable than good times. Let me repeat that so that you understand me: Tribulations bear much more lasting and valuable riches than does prosperity. Consider this passage from Romans:

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.--5:3, 4

Do you see, Christian, the great string of valuable pearls that are born out of tribulations? Perseverance, proven character, hope. Are these not more valuable than any earthly treasure? Than health? Therefore, I am learning by the power of God to change the way I look at my illness--to see it as a source of great wealth, a tool that God has hand-picked for me in love to draw me ever nearer to Him and to bestow on me true wisdom in Christ. Indeed I have already seen great benefit from the illness. I attribute the character and mental strength that God has given me to my growth through it. I see how even now good things have been wrought in me through the instrument of the illness. Most of all being how the daily struggles have served to drive me further and further into the arms of the Savior, who is my Rock and my ever present help.

Think for a moment about the cancer patient. One struggling with cancer may greatly despise the thought of having to go through chemotherapy. It is a painful, horrible procedure. But would we not all agree that the chemotherapy is good for this man who is so sick? Thus it becomes evident that the patient hates what is for his ultimate benefit. Even so God has given me an unpleasant disease in order to purge me from that cancer called self and sin with the ultimate intent to present me complete in Christ (Col. 1:28). And, like the sick man, I do not enjoy what I am going through. For "all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful," but I hope that having been trained by it to yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11).

Therefore, when trials come your way, child of God, do not murmur and complain as those who are lost do, but rejoice in hardships, knowing that in them you are greatly blessed. Praise God in the hard times, for in that, not in health or prosperity, is the victory.